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- When the student arrives, make sure you tell them that the policy in
the lab is that the supervisor is always an author on the paper even if he
has not contributed let alone read the paper.
- Change your name by deed poll so it begins with an A, and explain that
authorship is traditionally alphabetical in your field.
- Encourage students to submit papers to conferences in exotic but
expensive locations (e.g. Hawaii). When accepted, explain that institutional policy
forbids them from going but that you should go in order to present their
work. Fund it from their grant (but no need to tell student this last
detail.)
- Prearrange a conference call (perhaps to arrange the
workshop in Hawaii) to start 15 minutes
after their notional starting time for your weekly meeting with your
students.
- Always acknowledge the student's work in the acknowledgement section
(especially when the student actually wrote the paper).
- Dump all your reviews onto your students. Explain to them that it will
be good practice and beneficial for their career.
- Never let the student engage in the task of trying to define a good
research problem; your ideas are far more important and the student should
normally feel honoured to be allowed to work on them.
- If the student does not follow the previous advice and comes up with a
good idea, steal the idea and give it to one of your other students.
Prevent the former student from working on their original idea, perhaps by
item 6 above, and then explain gently that unfortunately another student
is already working on this idea at your request.
- Offer a special opportunity to your students to "help" organize a
workshop but actually get them to do all the work. Ensure your various
grants are run down sufficiently such that they are unable to attend but
not so much that you can not attend.
- Offer additional funding to the students but ensure it is via a series
of short term contracts.
- Explain to students that since research is an uncertain endeavour, it
makes no logical sense to have regular meetings to discuss it.
- Never trust your student to be able to give any sort of presentation
on their own even if they have had many years experience; get them to go
through line by line with you and suggest at least 150 separate changes in
order to justify the meeting.
- Enter into deniable romantic relationships with all of your students
of opposite sex (useful to have offices with doors lockable from the inside).
For the student, this offers the added advantage of improving potential
collaboration with the supervisor; it may also help
getting a paper accepted.
- Encourage the students to be autonomous and self sufficient and do all
that you can to aid their growth and step out of the way when they are
strong enough researchers to stand on their own feet.
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